i had a lot to say. i think i still do have a lot to say. i can’t wrap my head around it. i do know that i was very much angry. i didn’t expect it and my final thought was, “he’s a coward.”

aside from being angry at him, i was angry at myself for allowing myself to give him bits and pieces of _my_ trust. i don’t know what i was thinking. i had high hopes for this working out. i’m not quite sure as to why. i was so against it in the beginning. half way in, i considered the possibilities of us happening, and the pros began to out weigh the cons. i then started going to the gym and eating right because we had this shit in the bag. totally gonna’ meet in three months. yeah, no. 

if i felt a certain way, i’d always say somethin’. the last time we got into it- which was a couple of days ago, and, who am i kidding? i was the one getting into it with him -the only reason i bothered to apologize was because i knew i was stressing him out. i backed up, gave him space, in hope he’d eventually come around. he didn’t.

when i noticed the sudden change, i thought _i_ did something wrong, that _i_ fucked up. that went through my head multiple times during the past two to three days. it dawned on me last night, after our brief chat of nothing (j/k, it was me trying to get his attention), that i didn’t do anything wrong. it was a sudden change of heart, and, for whatever reason, he couldn’t man up and tell me that. 

it really opened my eyes. even if he didn’t lie, i expected honesty. i remember telling him that from the start. if anything, be HONEST with me. i deserve that much.

i don’t think i was possessive or obsessive? i gave him enough space to do what he wanted, play games with the people he wanted, do school work the way he wanted, whatever. he’s a growing mary-sue with a hint of angst. who am i to restrict anyone from doin’ what they wanna’ do? we weren’t official after all.

his reason for not calling me, aside from being busy, ofc, was, uh… school work and being “swamped”. i find out later he’s in another group call. someone that used to say no matter how busy he’d be, he’d still make time for me, was, alas, too busy for me. but. not too busy for other people. same old.

i’m letting go. trust me when i say i’m more relieved this didn’t last as long as i’d like or i would’ve wasted a lot of my time on someone claiming to be “mature” for their (ripe, young) age. actually, more like, just wasting my time in general. it makes sense now why his last girl stopped talking to him. outta’ the blue, too. take note.